In February, I went home to England to meet (begin training) the newest member of my sister’s ever-growing brood of unfeasibly gorgeous offspring. It was predictably lovely with lots of beige food, endless cups of tea and cosy fires.
Unaccustomed to certain things about Blighty as I have become, I was ill-prepared for the arctic conditions awaiting me at Heathrow. I did, however, manage to catch (and marvel open-mouthed at) that fleeting pre-spring where the biting cold seems to sharpen the winter sun so that the snowdrop scattered fields of the shire I’m lucky enough to hail from positively sparkle with hard, dazzling glitter.
Besides the divine providence of my own provenance, there were other things that I realised I had hitherto taken for granted. They include Nandos, ethnic diversity and Shoreditch, but most of all, being able to eavesdrop on people.
Darling readers, the delight and greedy glee with which I applied myself to listening in on other people’s lives bordered on the indecent. To find myself back in a country where most people spoke my first language amongst themselves was almost too much. As luck would have it, I had received from my best friend, as a late Christmas present, a rather gorgeous notebook.
And so below are – verbatim – the wonderful and utterly contextless snippets of things that floated into my ears while I was variously on the street, at a party, on the train and elsewhere. I have also added a few corkers gifted to me since returning to Bangkok:
‘I only realised last year that the Romans were Italian.’
‘Right! And the way they looked at me, you’d have thought I’d said something racist!’
‘I bought non-alcoholic beer once. Tasted like crisps.’
‘Hey, did you know — Bob Marley was 70 the other day.’ ‘Yeah. Dead though.’
‘You know, an elf. Like a little fairy boy.’
‘Nah, he’s in the Congo at the moment, mate.’
‘I always think Helsinki sounds like it should be in Hawaii.’
‘I don’t want another man’s penis on my phone.’
‘Can you feed a pig bacon? Seriously, can you?’
‘When the Dutch were rife — you know, in the old days. I mean, I know they were bastards, but they fucking ruled.’
‘So I bought some gin. Because, y’know, we had all this tonic lying about the house.’
‘So there I am with this bird sitting on my face, casual as you like.’
‘She just can’t seem to control the calories. I mean, she’s not fat…’ *leans in and lowers voice* ‘but she’s a bit… round, you know?’
‘I don’t care, they can block Facebook, Instagram, whatever. Just don’t mess with the porn, man!’
I think i will revisit this post from time to time, with any glorious additions I am lucky enough to catch. See you soon, XO
Also, if you like silly pictures along the lines of the one above, you might enjoy my deeply ridiculous tumblr: http://punbletumble.tumblr.com/