Look, guyzz, I know I’m a girl-person and therefore supposedly hard-wired to either go all gooey and giddy or run and hide in fear and shame as the unstoppable pink parade of February 14th marches upon us. The prospect of receiving helium balloons, roses and chocolates should have my heart a-flutter and the unconscionable idea of NOT being showered with gifts and cards should fill me with dread.
Here are the two conventionally accepted responses to Valentine’s Day:
Also, I’m always struck by the glaring contradiction of these gifts that are supposedly synonymous with a day about true and enduring love.
This is the first time in ten years that I will be single on valentines, and I am not in the market for a date – not least because 14 February 2014 is a Buddhist holiday and therefore Bangkok is dry. (Say what, Nicky? You can’t go on a date without alcohol? Oh nohohohohoho; I just refuse to miss out on the adventures that regularly occur when my ridiculous girl friends and I seek out illicit booze on imposed drinking ban days.)
This year for Valentine’s, rather than roses or teddies or fancy dinners, I would like:
– my landlady to be more concerned about me finding a new flat than finding a new boyfriend.
– not to feel that I must check my squawky donkey laugh or filter my acerbic, gin-soaked opinions lest I be considered ‘loud’ and scare the men-folk away.
– to stop worrying about when I will be hit with the mythical crushing doom and sadness that is apparently inevitable when you are single and therefore worthless and incomplete. It is kind of killing my buzz.
– aaaand Jennifer Lawrence to be my best friend. (What? Look, in a world where Tom Hiddleston would give me a rose, J-Law would be my homie).
No gifts. More GIFs…
And finally, some words of advice:
– do NOT go on an early stages date on 14 February – there is too much pressure. There are no Valentine’s cards that say ‘Hey, I just met you and you seem nice.’
– be safe kids: the initials of Valentine’s Day… Coincidence? I’m just saying.
And you? What do you want?