New Year… same old me

I would love to say that I don’t make New Year’s resolutions on principle, but if that were the case, I would have to have a principle. Truthfully, it’s because I am lazy and lack the requisite motivation to stick at them because they are usually things like, eat fewer cakes, drink less alcohol and stop swearing. These are, to my mind, three of the most joyful activities available and I resent the notion that I should give them up. Honestly- I spent a large proportion of my Christmas holiday sitting around in a onesie, eating my mumma’s chilli chocolate flapjacks, mainlining red wine, cheerfully hurling expletives hither and thither.

Merry Christcuss

spreading some f*$cking festive cheer

As you may have noticed, I am very much a creature of habit and some of my habits are not terribly productive. For example:

– I wake up and, because it’s my alarm clock, always pick up my phone and immediately check Facebook, whereupon I just scroll aimlessly for fifteen senseless minutes instead of, like, for example, cleaning my teeth or getting dressed. I end up brushing my hair in the lift, applying mascara (inexpertly) on the train and shambling in to work having once again, not gone to the gym.

– When I decide to clean my flat, I like to put Downton Abbey on. It is such wonderful, cosy company that I invariably find myself discarding the duster and crawling into bed to snuggle up with Lord and Lady Grantham.

So,  this New Year, rather than giving anything up, I am instead going to play to my strengths and add to my repertoire, and perhaps, in the process, cultivate some better habits.

(I am aware that this is coming across extremely self involved- why would you give two hoots about how I may or may not alter my behaviour? But it strikes me that I can’t be the only un-motivated one out there. Perhaps you are well-intentioned but lacking in discipline like a friend of mine who scrupulously announced she was not drinking for the whole of January- a restraint she gleefully (and sensibly) flung out the window as we ordered the second bottle (three days into the month).  I would just like to bat about some ideas about how we – as a shambolic, lazy team – might go about approaching 2014 with a little more pep and vim. Feel free to add any suggestions.)

– When I come into the office to find it full of post-Christmas comestibles, with the best will in the world, I’m not going to piously ignore them:

NOT eat the Kempinski chocs? Are you serious?

NOT eat the Kempinski chocs? Are you serious?

I will just have THIS as well:

healthy lunch

naughty + healthy = balanced. It’s science.

(I must confess dear readers that, at time of writing, while I have eaten my fill of chocolate Christmas cake, I have not yet ventured salad-wards. It is sitting here, winking at me crisply, smugly, knowingly. Fuck you, Lettuce – I’m trying!)

– When I find myself in bed at 2pm on a Saturday, my flat in disarray, sighing at Lady Mary’s dresses, I will not tear myself away, I will knit something while I watch. My apartment will not be any cleaner,  but my nephew will have a new bobble hat and I will have some new searingly sarcastic put-downs courtesy of the Dowager Countess:




– Instead of giving up my beloved cuss words, I use my vociferous enthusiasm to point out lovely things (this may in turn involve more swearing):

At least I'm drawing your attention to it, m*th@rF$*ckers

At least I’m drawing your attention to it, m*th@rF$*ckers

THIS is how I intend to tackle 2014,  this is my resolution remix.

Let’s call it a New Year’s REVOLUTION!



2 thoughts on “New Year… same old me

  1. elsie1285

    I had a similar feeling last year and decided that, as nobody but you cares if you don’t keep resolutions, there is no point challenging yourself to something that will, ultimately make only you feel worse if you fail. Therefore, my resolution each year is to like one food and one alcoholic drink that I didn’t like before. As someone who is in no way a picky eater, this seemed to just add to my eating experience and it really didn’t matter if I didn’t achieve it. Last year was Tequila (I had serious FOMO during shot rounds) and peanuts. I am STILL struggling with the latter! This year it’s sweet corn (useless food of the devil) and Bloody Marys (in an effort to make the oh-god-hangovers-are-worse-at-30 feeling more bearable). Since accepting a position in the Big Mango from August, I think I might need to add whiskey to my list now!


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