A new and fabulous friend of mine, let’s call him Tom, has a crush on an admittedly very good-looking chap, let’s call him Jim. Tom invited Jim to a fancy shmancy dinner where they would enjoy numerous courses, free flow wine and each other’s scintillating company.
Jim declined because he ‘had to go to the gym’.
Tom and I have since nicknamed him No-Banter-Jim because of his lack of conversational dexterity which is probably due to the fact that anyone who picks the gym over a delicious dinner and witty repartee, regardless of how ripped they look topless is, to use the technical term, a Bloody Boring Bastard.
This little story is by way of an introduction because it is not an isolated case. More and more, I have been noticing boys expressing a creeping pressure to maintain wildly improbable bodily perfection. And it’s not just among the gays! A number of my straight male friends have been making noticeable reference to the shape they perceive they are in and fostering an almost desperate need to control it. Invariably the conversation goes like this:
‘Ooooh, let’s go for drinks at [insert hipster hotspot] and then you can tell me that hilarious anecdote over [insert delicious dish] at [insert supercool restaurant].’
‘Uh, no, I can’t. I’m going to the gym’
What? instead of dinner? So, essentially you are having gym for dinner. If this continues, these fellows will become muscle-bound vacuums.
Now, on the one hand, the advent of metro sexuality, male grooming and pressure on boys to look a certain way might make us girls a bit smug. We’ve had to put up with magazines, the media, men and each other crushing our souls and creativity while we feel the need to engage in a ridiculous bid to banish cellulite and maintain perky tits – for centuries. Isn’t it about time the boys had a taste of it? Women should be nodding and saying ‘yeah YEAH! You SHOULD be buying three types of face cream, and counting your carbs, boys HAH!’ Feminism wins, equal body dysmorphia for all! Right?
OR is that just MORE humans submitting to some utter nonsense and therefore making it worse. Come ON guys, can’t we be supportive of each other? You all look fine. Can we all go and eat some yummy food together now please? You know, and have, like, conversation?
Look, I’ve got no beef with exercise and being healthy and if you want to go to the gym because you feel good and pumped with lovely endorphins then crack on! But can we stop letting it run our lives and ruining potential good times? Because really, I happen to think that I am in the best shape when I am screaming with laughter, holding a glass of wine. And the LEAST sexy thing in the world is a Bloody Boring Bastard, topless or otherwise!!
PS since writing this, a superb compromise has come to my attention, at least for the ladies:
A bizarre bra has gone on sale which is designed to help women hide a bottle of wine in their underwear during a night out.The ‘Wine Rack Bra’ looks like a normal sports bra, but actually holds 750ml (an entire bottle of wine) inside the cups. HUZZAH!