I have, in my time, found myself swept up into some genuinely hilarious, but in many ways quite alarming encounters with boys and, conscientious citizen that I am, I wondered how best to serve the community with the knowledge I have accrued.
I thought perhaps I might lay out some examples of their various and varying approaches to the harsh scrutiny of internet opinion in the hope that the perpetrators might be given an opportunity to examine, or indeed explain themselves, that the romantically hopeful among you might identify some paths to avoid and that we all might have a chuckle at the expense of the anonymous!
So, make ready your cringe shields! No need to own up, I’m sure you’re embarrassed enough!
‘So, are you going to buy me a drink then?’
Dear boys, even if you are thirsty, if a girl has hitherto shown no interest, the answer is probably not going in your favour here.
In the midst of some otherwise fairly run of the mill chit-chat/banter, a ‘gentlemen’ dropped this doozie (literally, in the literal sense, as in word for word):
‘Shut up, I WILL fuck you’,
Well…..there’s a moment killer right there.
This, in a text message, at 2am from a comparatively new acquaintance,
Well, if only I could trouble you for a verb, I might be more inclined to respond!
Amid a discussion that was, interestingly enough, about the surprising social awkwardness of boys whose on-stage alter-egos suggest confidence and charisma, one such fellow wandered up behind the lucky girl facing me, whose attention he presumably wanted to engage, collapsed her knee and then hovered hopefully until she felt obliged to begin a conversation with him. Baffling!
Finally, and this is more of a hint, a tip, a gift if you like! From us to you:
The rules of general etiquette DO continue to exist on the dance-floor. If a girl is dancing with her friends, it just may not be an open invitation to sidle up behind her, genitals-first, and begin thrusting, however enthusiastically, on precisely NOT the beat to which she is trying to dance.
Here’s how to remember it: if you wouldn’t do it in Starbucks, it probably won’t be appropriate in the club either.
Take it or leave it.
And now, the inimitable Lily Allen will demonstrate a few ideas on how to parry these misguided advances: